


i loved and i lost you

by charxjay



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 04:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10632624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charxjay/pseuds/charxjay
Summary: i loved and i loved and i lost you, and it hurts like hell





	

He couldn’t believe it, there were no words able to form upon his lips and it took a _lot_ to for him to ever shut that mouth of his up. Questions of _how,_ of _why_ dying in his throat as he stood there frozen. There was no way that this was happening, no way. It had to be some kind of sick joke and the blond is going to come bursting through the doors any moment now, but seconds fall into minutes and the minutes turn to hours. Someone had guided him to the couch, and that was where he was sitting feeling numb because why isn’t he coming through the doors with that big old smirk of his.

“Are you okay?” A voice asked, but he barely registered it or recognised who it was. He could feel worried eyes on him, like they’re watching him to see if he would break. But the thing is, he is already breaking on the inside and it’s starting with his heart. He can feel the pieces shattering and falling through his body.

Standing up, there is a slight tremble to his hands and he can’t register any of his friends’ words as he walks himself out of the apartment. He isn’t sure where he was going to go, just that he needed to be away from their eyes, from their sadness and heartbreak. Just _away_ from those who knew him well enough to know he was lying if he dared to say he was fine because he was far from it.

Because inside, it was like he was being ripped apart with every shattering piece of his heart. Like it was cutting him from the inside, leaving the hurt for himself and no one else to see. Leaving him to suffer with each step he took knowing that with each passing second that his denial was coming to an end and leave him in a million tiny pieces that no one can pick up. His mind was trying to remind him of their first kiss, how it had been soft and gentle – almost like neither knew how to kiss. The gentleness of how it gave him the information he needed, and that was that he never wanted to stop this or stop seeing the softer side of the blond.

Trying to show him the smile that was reserved just for him, for when he said something stupid or was rambling on a bit too much. Show him how tenderly , how shy the other had been to hold his hand for the first time and how bright his smile got when he had intertwined his fingers with the blonds to reassure him. Of how at peace the Shadowhunter was when he slept, how he’d curl up into him after a nightmare. How he’d slowly open himself up, letting their emotions come out so they could work them out together. Of how he’d told the other to be careful when he went out on mission one night because his mother wanted to meet the person who made her son beam. Memories of how they’d just lay in bed, cuddling with each other just because that was what they needed, or their banter they’d always shared.

He doesn’t know how he did it, but he’s standing in the middle of the Shadowhunter’s room and it just _feels so empty_. It’s like the room knows it, knows the man who slept there wasn’t coming back anytime soon, or ever. There was a note sitting on the desk, his name written in the blond’s handwriting.

_‘Hey, I love you Simon. Don’t ever forget that, please baby. If you’re reading this, it means I haven’t come back to hide it. I knew you, or someone would find it and you’d read it. I don’t want to leave you without a goodbye. This job I have, it’s dangerous we both know this and I would never know if I would ever to meet my time, if I’d get to say goodbye to you. You deserve to know I love you; you deserve to be loved by another. Don’t give up on love, and keep that mundane side and humanity you have that I love and adore. Please don’t ever lose your humour, even if no one gets it and please, for the love of the angel don’t forget that I love you. – Love Jace.’_

Tears were falling down his face, he planned for if he died, just in case, and that sent a flood of tears down Simon’s face. His hand flies to cover his mouth as the paper falls out of his hand towards the ground. He’s stepping back until the back of his knees hit the bed and he let himself fall onto the bed, curling himself up on the sheets that had smelled of the blond. The smell only made things worse and he broke down completely, at some point he felt arms around and a soft hand of someone trying to comfort him but he didn’t dare look at who was in the room with him. He didn’t want to look but he was glad for there to have them there with him, and maybe just maybe he could get through this.


End file.
